It hurts! Embassy Bombings LO18890

PHO - Charles Gilbert (cgilbert@carolinas.org)
Wed, 19 Aug 98 08:17:09 PDT

Replying to LO18881 --

Ben,

Thank you for your insights. I've often asked the same questions.

--- On Mon, 17 Aug 1998 11:40:25 -0400 Ben Compton
<bcompton@emailsolutions.com> wrote:

"Why didn't I stop and think, "You know, this is really terrible. What are
we going to do about it? I should be concerned for a number of reasons."
Instead I simply pushed it out of my mind and acted like nothing had
happened."

"Your message, and those that have followed, have made it clear that I was
indifferent to the atrocity."

"Am I so desensitized by the violence in the world, that the bombings
didn't even register on my radar screen? Or am I a cold and indifferent
person? Does human suffering not bother me, as long as I'm not suffering?
Or was I acting on a sense of helplessness, realizing that there was
nothing I could do to comfort those who had been hurt or to prevent future
bombings?"

-- 
First, if we can ask questions like this, we are not lost (to awareness) and 
we are still learning.  Sometimes, I remember to add some positive thought 
or blessing into the world when I hear about tragic events.  Other times, I 
forget because it doesn't seem like enough.  It's only what I can do at the 
moment however.  Second, desensitization is real for me.  What passes for 
news these days is horrible; twenty minutes of tragedy, sports, and weather.
I find it difficult to remember that my 'neighbor' is also the one that I 
may dislike and disagree with, when I watch 'local news.'  It's difficult to 
remember that there is good in the world as well.  So I avoid the 'news.'  I 
work at not avoiding the caring that is so necessary.

-- 
"As a parent I have had to learn these lessons the hard way. I used to
think I was to "teach" my children how to behave -- you know, be quiet in
the library, be reverent in church, be nice to other people, etc.  When
they "misbehaved" I would use some type of hurt to punish them: Go to your
room, stand in the corner, sit in the chair and think about what you did
and why it was wrong, etc. And then I would wonder why my children would
use "hurt" or punitive activities when interacting with their friends."

-- 
I too have children and I have looked for other (and better) ways to 
discipline them.  I have also done what you describe above yet have tried to 
be open to other ways.  Most people have only said 'you shouldn't do this or 
that.'  Parenting is something that is interesting in this (USA) culture.  I 
can only say for myself that noone is ready when it begins.  It seems 
principally an 'on the job training' position.  Thank you for your insights 
into this.  I look forward the continued learning and improvement in my 
skills as a parent and as a human being.

-- 

"The only hurt we really learn from is the hurt we cause ourselves. Those moments where our actions and the consequences come together -- and we're conscious of the fact that they've come together -- are powerful learning moments. The lesson learned may be joyous or it may be painful but it will always promote personal growth."

"Those who use force are trying to evade that moment. I don't care whether it is a terrorist, a politician, a parent, a child, a manager, an employee, or a spouse. An attempt to use force to control an outcome is a moral abdication, because it is an attempt to evade the causal relationship between action and consequence."

-- 

I would add that the use of 'hurt' seems the be an easy and expedient response. The other way, of seeing people as being 'connected' with us, takes longer and is much harder to accomplish. In a world that values getting what you want quickly and easily that path is avoided. I try to remind myself that being a parent (or human being) is to choose the 'right' way and not the easiest or quickest.

Yours,

Chuck

Name: Charles Gilbert VOC:(704)355-5261 Carolinas Medical Center FAX:(704)355-8424 Dept of Pediatric Research PO Box 32861 Charlotte, NC 28232-2861

Date: 8/19/98 Time: 08:17:09 AM

E-mail: cgilbert@mail.carolinas.org

{"The opinions are my own and not necessarily shared by my employer."}

Statistical thinking will one day be as necessary for efficient citizenship as the ability to read and write. -H.G. Wells

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