I Want To Hear Your Voices LO27269

From: Pixie Delite (pixie_delite@hotmail.com)
Date: 09/24/01

Replying to LO27248 --

(the sound of one)

Here's some real noise for you John.
It's Joy again. I wonder if I have ever introduced myself properly here.
Well maybe I shall do it again.

My name is Joy H. Vatsyayann. I live in New Zealand. I used to be a
science student in the early days. I was always different from most kids,
and labelled a weirdo most of my life (even now!). The loneliness drove me
to wanting to travel - even if for a few months .. to run from all. On the
way I took Peter Senge's Fifth Discipline. I was 22.

At the end of the book - i was in england... i was... awestruck. For the
first time in my life I felt like i was home. Not because I read something
great. No. But because for the first time I did not feel alone. All those
years I had thought in a way which i was alwasy opposed and called airy
fairy or "joy you are too sensitive and stupid". BUT there it was - a
whole principle and a whole lot of people who believed and apparantly said
it was ok to live the way I did!!! Was I ever so glad!!!

All my life the frustration of people saying I am too idealistic - and me
fighting back and saying "but what is idealistic to you is my reality, so
it is not idealism for me!!!!!"

Anyhow. At a drop of a hat I gave up my Masters in Genetic Engineering and
begged the Management Systems dept. at uni to let me in. A trial run and I
scored A's so there I was - now going for a Postgrad Dip. in MS... and
then a Masters inthe same. all through it - Systems thinking was my goal.
To know it more meant - knowing it was ok to be me more and more. It may
mean different things to different people. but for me... it was just
discovering that it was ok to think like me because there were others that
thought this way!

What Joy!

What liberation!

So maybe I am not as well read as most. Maybe I cannot let out indexes of
names of great people and their works in the field - but I doknow one
thing - I simply cannot say anything wrong if i say it with my heart and
soul and the understanding within me of what is. to reflect and be aware.
that is all.

The current year has been terrible for me at a personal life front. I lost
the one I loved in circumstances that were more than simple and common. I
nearly lost my father to a heart attack. he had an emergency quadruple
by-pass recently. I had to put my studies on hold at a crucial stage.
Maybe that is why i have not spoken for a while.

I am an emotional wreck at the moment but the only thing keeping me alive
is work. Just started on a new job after finishing the contractual project
earlier on. I am working as the Strategic Planner for the District Health
Board. Like I said, if it was not for work at the moment, I might be
honest to say... my mental state has left me crippled (and a little every
day with the pain of seeing myself crumble and decay inside).

I guess I have said enough. I live two lives. The joyful, confident and
successful person on the outside that everyone sees as "lucky bit**h", and
the torn down, "give me a reason to live or better yet die", less than
zero self esteemed individual that thinks they are the worst person alive.

I'm 26 now. I feel 65.

Wow. I have said it all openly. Wonder what kind of noise I have been able
to create in this room.

love and blessings
Joy H. Vatsyayann
Director - lifeCon Ltd. (Health & Business Consulting Services Ltd.)

Current Position:
Strategic Planner
Waikato District Health Board
Hockin Building
Selwyn Street
PO Box 934

Tel: 07-839-8988 Extension 7810
Fax: 07-839-4327
email: vatsyayj@waikatodhb.govt.nz



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