Women's Ways of Learning LO24629

From: Jan Lelie (janlelie@wxs.nl)
Date: 05/17/00

Replying to LO24623 --

Jan Lelie wrote to Sajeela M Ramsey:

Summary: who do i seem to be? who are the [ca{wo(mbmen)}]?

Dear Sajeela, At and Judy; Dear fellow miners for truth and delusion,

why was this subject raised? Why didn't i pay attention to it? Busy. Too
busy with what? Judy asked me to read the thread and two minutes later it
apperead* to me: "... there is minimal discussion of conflict in the
literature on internal group process, yet in the literature on relations
among groups, there is little discussion of anything other than

Conflict {ambiguity, paradox, equivocality} seems inherent to life and
therefore to group life. We experience tension continuously, tension
{energy, impulse} drives us and not only do we experience tension, we also
think and feel out of tension, to release the tension. And not only do we
feel and think out of tension, we express our thinking and feeling in
words and pictures and buildings, enactment's, to get rid of the tension,
the feelings of tension and the expressing of tension. We solve, resolve,
cosolve and coresolve. Figure and ground. The more we dig into the
ground, the more we loose our ground. The more we figure out, the less we
gain on the figure.

I have been accused of feeling with my mind: i can think "feelings". I
have been accused of thinking with my feelings: i felt "thoughts". I
couldn't tell the difference, cannot say: this felt better or that thinks
nice. Yet, i had to conclude there is a difference, one has to make a
choice - altough unconsciously - do i prefer thinking or do i prefer
feeling. Because life means (conflicting) choice. And one of the biggest
choices we have to make is: do we mail* or femail*? And then i have to
bring back balance. Not balanced feelings, not balanced thinking, balanced
living. Phewmale, unmail. - note: i was told long ago that women have more
neurons between the left and the right brain hemisphere (the human brain
seems to be strongly lateralized (conflict!) in order to survive
(conflict!) and - perhaps introduced as an error of judgment - to become
self-conscious (conflict addiction) and that the transmission velocity is
somewhat higher. Therefore women seem to be able to shift from one mode to
another more easily. But does the fish notice the water? - end of note.

Interlude: The problem comes from the negation and an interference: i
cannot be male and at the same time not-male, big BUTT* being not-male is
not the same as being female. Or the other way around: i cannot be female
and at the same time not-female, big BUTT* not-female is not the same as
being male. Does this open a way of being male and female at the same
time? Huwoman!

Everybody chooses out of some unresolved tensio and these choices generate
tension and this tension is somehow transferred to groups. At first a
group seems to ease the tension: we feel accepted, free, moved to speak,
loved, supported, com-plemented, we feel whole again. On second thoughts,
years and years later, sometimes, we seem to feel some unease again.

(Hey there: did somebody notice that we are discussing the same and the
same again and again. Rick, are you recycling old material? Is it just
you and me and Judy? Or are you just time-delaying my own messages through
a clever moderator tool that just shuffles some sentences around. Is it
called At Elisa's? How can i know what is real ?;-)

Or we feel that we think we are loosing "it" again. Not all the choices by
the group seem to be our choices. In order to belong, stay "in", we have
to think and feel things we do not wholeheartedly - wow: no spelling error
left, first time right! - agree with. The tension is back! Is this what we
choose to be?

In order to survive, we have to adopt to living in groups. Our parents
knew this. So we've been trained, raised, learned to behave. Women, i
feel, thought me how to behave and stay with the group, thereby enabling
my freedom. Men, i think, thought me how to become free and survive on my
own, thereby committing me to the group. The way i see it, what these
thoughts seem to tell me: the transference of the one creates the other.
The tension is felt, is transferred to the group (i feel less tension) and
then the group contains more tension and transfers this to a bigger group
and reflects it inwardly, back to its members. The tension is released,
the energy flows, to create an environment to survive better AND an
environment that contains more tension.

So in the end, we have these large groups, discriminated by the simple and
observable characteristics, - we are physical being, after all has been
said and done - that seem to be (and are!) opposed: male female, black
white, rich poor, weak strong, elder child, near distant. I've been there.
In most lands we have found the mechanism to speed this process up: we are
a Chosen People, we are unique (true, nut do you deserve special
treatment?). The Dutch, the group that seems to have registered my
involontary application, have such a feeling under their skin: we're

Is there awomens* way of dealing with conflict? Yes there is. Is there
amens* way of dealing with conflict? Yes there is. We've imported,
introduced, interjected the pain of life, the spark we carry, into the
group. This spark became a fire and now we're burning, burning our souls
on the light we ripped from the Gods. !I seem to be cursed with
self-consciousness (Thank You - but no thanks) and you'll have to deal
with it ourselves. Women thought me this.

Do not speak to me about a women's way of yearning. Do not learn me about
the men's way of doing. We're in this together. When you feel tension,
"think!" And when you think, "feel?"! And when you are moved? Keep quite!
And when in balance? Fall from grace! What is whole must be destroyed to
be recreated again and what is seperate must be integrated. Cowards!

I wrote to Judy, she knows, what i to me seems to be the greatest line in

"Evil is even, truth an odd umber and death is a full stop." - Flann
At Swim-Two-Birds (it is true, that is the title of the book: At
Swim-Two-Birds, @ ~~2~2~~, look it up at amazon).

Take all the courage you need on the path of your choosing,

Jan Lelie

Drs J.C. Lelie CPIM (Jan)
LOGISENS  - Sparring Partner in Logistical Development
Mind@Work - est. 1998 - Group Decision Process Support
Tel.: (+ 31) (0)70 3243475 or car: (+ 31)(0)65 4685114
http://www.mindatwork.nl and/or
taoSystems: + 31 (0)30 6377973 - Mindatwork@taoNet.nl

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